Kaiden Blake

The truth? It's 5:53am, and I'm examining myself - with too much and too little reason. I suppose the absence of the sparkle in my eyes will suffice, for now at least. I suppose after so many years of introspection, it's time to finally explode after a series of bombs have gone off within me. I'm not sure what's more healthy or not - implosion, or being deemed the "loose cannon" by your own self - that is, to guarantee that even if nobody else is around to watch, you'll retain legitimacy. Of some sort, at the very least.

In simple terms? I've watered myself down. The water seeped into my "persona" online, bled into my verbal speech, and eventually I just ended up drowning. My body is an organism that multiplies. When you're in charge of your life - even from the time you've been a small child, you're able to "babysit" yourself most times. Under more trying circumstances, you aren't the caretaker of one person, but rather one person divided - and multiplied. I find that to be the case with myself.

I'm either a very mysterious person, or subconsciously I love giving off the essence that I am. My main outlet over the years to cope with all of the "grey area" was to write. My writing corresponded with that, and was also just as mysterious. I never really ever addressed anything specifically. I think a lot of people overlooked me because of that - because they weren't ever told directly. The truth remains a fact in which not many people like analyzing information. Whenever I opened my mouth - or typed - I was always setting up camp in alien territory. Nobody really cared for that.

I began being perceived in a negative light for pursuing my goals shortly thereafter. I was ridiculed for it, and people tried their best to push me into shame. I found myself hanging my head down for having my head tilted up to the sky. I was always the one who fantasized about such great heights. I suppose the struggle throughout my teenage years was fact I was in need of climbing up out of the dungeon I was put in first. In order to fly, you have to get yourself up off the ground, climb out of the hole, try to stand sturdy, walk, run, and finally you'll find yourself morphed. Or, so we'd like to think. I've always relapsed into one of these steps, and haven't come anywhere near running; walking, at very best.

Even now, when I'm trying to free-write a clear, simple message, I'm still cryptic. I'd rather have my own style from this moment forward than the overt smiling "bobblehead" I've become to be. I'm not always having a great day. Most days, as of late, are horrid. I don't always have my focus, strength, or happiness strapped onto my utility belt. If you want to be a follower of someone who puts off that persona, I am not the one.

For such a long time, even up until this message, you'd only find the words "under construction" on my profile. I suppose that's what happens when you're driven to the point of lifelessness. To look at that now, and let them win? It makes me sick. It makes me even more sick that those cowards and cruel people throughout my life could allow themselves to sit and watch something so full of life wilt away. I did not ever send hateful vibes out - my philosophy and persona was all about positivity, and trying to find "a happy medium," as I once deemed it. I was treated as an outcast for years. Showcased in a light that focused on negative aspects that never did fit me - arrogance, self-pity, and egotistical.

Does it scare me to write this, even now? Yes. We all like to think that we don't care what others think, but how honest are we being with ourselves when we write that? I've had schools and several cities full of people who had never met me turn on me because they thought they knew who I was. They believed the lies that a few people once upon a time had created. At a point, I was nearly killed. Nobody had talked to me. Years of isolation. That was because of YOU. I was the one deemed unfit. I was the one who was portrayed as a savage beast. It was you all, all along, who were the monsters. To this day none of you will accept blame, apologize, or acknowledge the situation. After all this time, can you really only simply go through the motions?

If nothing else, I am a survivor. I am alive, and will carry on at all costs. I've kept my mouth shut for far too long. I refuse to be a prisoner duct-taped to a chair with not even a mere cheap light bulb flickering above me. I am more than that. There is so much to say, and I will eventually cover it all. Not tonight, but over time. I'm still in the process of filming a documentary, and I want it to be able to inspire others. A poor documentary fixates upon one thing - typically, a figure. I want the documentary to showcase life, honesty, friends and family - or lack thereof, and the subtle things not many people seem to capture.

I apologize in a sense for not being able to roll along full-steam ahead during this trying time, but quite contrary, I'm glad. I don't want to submit myself to playing a false identity. I am not a robot, and I am proud to be able to succumb to the point in admitting self-defeat. I am not going anywhere, and soon I'll be able to shed this cocoon that I've been saturated with. Being volatile is far better than being a mute, at least for me. My goal in life has always been to merely live. If I choose to not partake in something, or choose to meander down a path that hasn't been trudged on by many, I can do so knowing that I am making a conscious decision to MY life. If I can retain that, I believe I can get through anything. This time right now is a time for healing for me.

There isn't a perfect way to end this, quite frankly because this "ditty" has been all over the place. However, I hope you've all had an exceptional first week or so of the New Year. I've got high expectations for this one.

Thanks,
Kaiden